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Please vote for your favorite TIFU Post in March!

Thank you and have a great day! :)

Post 1: TIFU by pointing out to my wife that the naked boobs in the show we were watching were not the actresses actual boobs because there was a difference in the freckles in the cleavage then rewound it to prove it.

Post 2: TIFU by innocently giving away worn underwear.

Post 3: TIFU when I shared "fun facts" about me at work

Post 4: TIFU the plans my gf and I made to sleep together while camping with her family

Post 5: TIFU asking my dad about the bruises on his face

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This happened about an hour ago. I'm on mobile and the bots are running wild today, so ye officially be warned.

My (22F) boyfriend (21M) got up early today to watch soccer. We don't live together, so aside from the fact that he's going to want to call it an early night, all good he can get up whenever he wants. About an hour after the game starts, I wake up to a good morning text from him. I say hello, lament the soccer score I'd just googled, and he follows up with "I feel yucky. My allergies are really bad with throat closings and hives." My allergies have been bad due to weather here also, so I mentioned that. His response is, "I think I might have to go to the ER. It's getting really hard to breathe."

I have asthma and I know that's not a situation to mess around. I'm immediately stressed, but staying calm and level-headed, I ask him if he wants me to bring him my inhaler or go to the ER with him. Then I jump out of bed, brush my teeth, change, and I'm out the door headed to his apartment. Somewhere along the way I see a "Yea..." text but don't bother to read the rest of the messages. Three minutes later I'm at his apartment, inhaler in hand, barging through the door like the hero I am to save my wheezing, helpless boyfriend. Except, instead of finding a wheezing helpless boyfriend, I see him looking confused, sitting on the couch with coffee and a bowl of cereal.

To be clear on the image here, I'd JUST woken up when this exchange happened. When I left my apartment, my hair was a mess, I was too lazy to fully take off my mascara last night so my face resembled that of a hungover raccoon, and there were still pillow lines on my forehead. He, on the other hand, was dressed for and event he was soon leaving for, seemed to be utilizing perfectly functional lungs, and holding a facial expression with some mix of surprise/confusion/amusement/guilt.

I sputter and mumble a series of "but... You said... I thought..." and then check my phone to use the "Yeah..." text as an explanation for my presence. Turns out, the full text was "Yeah... But can you also return my breath? I don't know why you just keep taking it away" with a series of dramatic emojis, followed by a "gotcha" and an "April fool's" gif. He was very apologetic for his silly joke and causing me the panic, but I laughed at it and now I'm eating breakfast at his apartment writing this out.

TLDR: My boyfriend April fool's'd me into rushing over to his apartment with my inhaler when all he really wanted to do was make a corny joke

Edit: thanks to u/chipoatley for the award! All the comments saying this is a cute story made my day. And to everyone asking if we're Liverpool fans, indeed we are-- here's to a better next season! Sorry for being absent in the comments, I'd love to respond to everyone but spelling with numbers is exhausting lmao

Today is my son's Birthday and we had a party with 15 kids. He just turned 11. We were doing a bunch of challenges and games. One game we filled a bunch of mini cupcakes with fillings. Some good, some gross. They were having fun and daring each other to find the gross ones.

I remembered I had a One Chip Challenge chip in the cabinet and broke it out as a joke threatening to make my son do it. The kids were immediately wanting to try. I got swept up in the excitement and broke the chip into small pieces warning it would be soo bad. Pulling the chip out was the first fuck up. Not having any rational sense to stop was the 2nd.

They counted down from 3 and had their small pieces. Immediate pandemonium. Within 2 minutes my son puked on the kitchen floor. Another kid was crying and having a panic attack. My wife was cursing me while handing out cups of milk. Kids were running around screaming.

After 5 cups of milk a different kid vomited milk all over the bathroom floor.

A girl vomited in the bathroom toilet twice.

After 30 minutes the chaos calmed.

My wife is pissed.

TLDR: busted out the one chip challenge for a bunch of 11 year olds and cleaned up so much puke.

UPDATE: Son has a mild upset stomach but had a great birthday. From the other parents we reached out to the kids who had a piece are doing good. My 8 year old pulled me aside and demanded that I do not bring the hot chip to their birthday. Wife still calls me a dumbass.

I’ve (21f) been seeing my boyfriend (25m) for almost a year now and he’s a pretty good guy. He’s just a little more…proper than me. He won’t fart or burp in front of me and he probably expected me to never burp or fart in front of him. I’ve told him though that I think farts are hilarious and my family farts in front of each other all the time and my grandpa even rates them out of ten. Since my bf finds it disgusting though I haven’t shown him my full fart potential, until today. We had eaten Mexican food earlier and it wasn’t agreeing with me super well, and I had to pass the gas pretty bad, but my bf was with me in the kitchen. I had to think of a diversion and asked him if he could take the trash out for me, he said yes and took it out the door. He wasn’t even gone a second when I ripped one that almost vibrated the house. I was glad that he didn’t witness the mass destruction of my pants but when I turned around he was staring at me from the back door. He forgot to put his shoes on and was coming back in. I’ve never seen such disgust on a face before, but he definitely thinks I’m nasty now. I think my grandpa would’ve given me a thumbs up and 10/10 on that one though.

TL;DR farted in front of my boyfriend and he’s probably gonna leave me now

God I literally wanna die. Earlier today I had to reset my Apple Id password and my dad and I are under the same apple id, it’s a long story, why we do that is irrelevant, but after I reset the password I guess it merged our Imessage so he can receive messages sent to my phone number. Well. I have been sending messages to a guy where he explicitly discusses his piss kink, among other absolutely sinful kinks, and my dad saw it all. This poor poor man. He’s the sweetest most wholesome human I will ever know and he had to witness these, as he put it, “vile messages of people peeing on each other”. Kill me. I’m not even into that kink. I’m just bored and playing along and now I’ve tainted my relationship with my dad. This isn’t even the first time apple synced our messages. I just never learn.

TL;DR: Apple merged my imessages with my Dad and he saw the most vulgar degenerate sexts I have ever sent a person

Edit: I never wanted to change my Apple ID bc I have a lot of game center data saved 😭 but I might make him make a separate one instead

So, I (25 M) just had the biggest screw-up of my life and I thought I'd share it with you all.

A little background first: My boss is notorious for pranking us, and I've always wanted to get back at him. I thought of a brilliant idea to prank him with a fake resignation letter. I spent hours writing it and made sure it looked as official as possible. I even got a friend to forge the signature of the HR manager.

Yesterday, I handed the letter to my boss with a straight face, acting all serious. He looked stunned and asked if it was a joke. I kept up the act and said it was real, and I was sorry for leaving.

That's when things went south. My boss looked hurt and disappointed, and I realized I had gone too far. He started to make arrangements to replace me, and my colleagues were devastated.

I had to confess to the prank and apologize, but the damage was done. My boss was furious and said he'd lost all trust in me. I feel terrible and regret the whole thing.

Lesson learned: Don't mess with your boss, even if it's just a prank. I hope he forgives me, but I know it'll take a long time to regain his trust.

TL;DR: Pranked my boss with a fake resignation letter, he took it seriously, and I had to confess and apologize for my mistake. Don't mess with your boss!

Five minutes ago I tried to commentate on a post in this sub only to be told by a bot that, for being able to use the word "the", I need to first get 2000 upvotes on posts and comments in this sub.

No problem, only two instances of this word in my post, I can write around that. So I delete my comment and post it without the offending word.

Now the automod informs me that for to use the word "that", I need 2500 upvotes. At this point I googled the automod message, saw that a lot of other redditors got it, some with the letter "e" and all of the occurrences were from the last hours.

It's April first. Happy April fool's. I hope this gets posted, maybe they blocked the word April to not spoil the fun for others.

TL:DR: I tried commenting here, automod told me I don't have enough upvotes to use common words, realized it's an April fool's thing.

Today, in the grand pantheon of "Leg Day Blunders," I reached a new level of hilarity and catastrophe. I grabbed my ancient leggings that have seen better days, and in the spirit of liberating Matilda, my trusty lady bits, I decided to go commando. Little did I know, the gym gods had other plans for me.

Upon spying an empty squat rack, I pounced on the opportunity like a jungle cat. But the moment I descended into the depths of that first squat, the gym gods unleashed their divine wrath with the unmistakable sound of a massive rip. My leggings had betrayed me, exposing my bushy Amazon rainforest and my full moon for all to see. In a panic, I screeched for my husband like a distressed pterodactyl.

He, oblivious to my plight, was chuckling until he spotted the extent of the damage. Clinging to the wall with tears in my eyes, I begged him to shield me with his towering 6'2 frame. But alas, he was about as helpful as a giraffe trying to blend in with penguins. We hobbled to the front of the gym, me half-enshrouded by his "protection," and I snatched a hoodie to cover my exposed nether regions.

With the hoodie tied around my waist like a makeshift kilt, we paid for it and slinked back home. Upon revealing the true carnage of my leggings, laughter ceased, and we realized the gravity of my wardrobe malfunction.

TLDR: TIFU by unleashing my ferocious lady garden and full moon upon the gym, thanks to my decision to go commando and my traitorous leggings. I survived, only to recount the ordeal on Reddit.

I'm so embarrassed that this happened! I went to get the mail today, for the first time in ages. I was expecting some small things from G Fuel and Gamer Supps. (Their stuff is amazing btw and they offer free samples!) One of my items came in a small envelope and I was given a key to the bigger parcel mail box on top of my other mail. I opened the mailbox up, saw a small package inside from some vague company and opened it, assuming it was mine. (I mean, I had the key).

I opened it...and it was someone's ADULT TOYS!! I read the shipping label this time and, sure enough, it was in an apartment number similar to ours, but NOT ours! (Think 132 instead of 123.)

So I retaped it as best as I could (I only had medical tape on hand) and wrote a note explaining the whole thing. I tried to downplay everything as best I could and decidedly DIDN'T mention what I had seen inside their package. (Partially to not embarrass them and also because people are nosy and could read the note.)

I was a little nervous that the person may be angry due to embarrassment or me having opened their mail. (It IS a crime, after all, to open someone else's mail.) I walked it to their apartment and knocked two different times with no sound inside. I thought because it was Saturday, they would most likely be home but, hey, that's why I'd written the note: as a back up in case they weren't home.

I set the package down and started walking when I hear their lock click. I turn around to see the person who lived there. My anxiety spiking, I awkwardly explained that I had gotten their mail by mistake, that I'd been expecting a package of my own, that I opened it without checking and that everything they received, including receipt, was still inside. (I didn't want them to think I was a porch pirate.)

Luckily, they were really cool about it and just kept smiling and saying no worries.

I was so relieved but I will be much more careful about checking my mail BEFORE I open it from now on.

TL;DR UPS betrayed me by giving me a neighbors adult toys when all I wanted was my drink mix-ins. 😔

I was enjoying a lazy weekend today, woke up late, had some food and went back to bed again. This time when I slept I had a weird dream in which I was peeing but it turns out I was wetting the bed for real. As soon as I started peeing somehow I woke up with a horror to realize what I was doing and managed to hold the pee and ran to toilet to relieve myself. Immediately afterwards I removed the bed covers and put them for wash in the washing machine and turned it on.

This is where the major fuck up happened. The Washing machine is kept in my other bed room which I mostly use just as a store room. The waste water outlet from the washing machine is normally connected to drainage through a tube to the attached bathroom. But this washing machine I brought back yesterday after repairs and was kept in its normal place. I had connected it's inlet but the waste outlet was just lying on the bed room floor. So the stupid that I am put the dirty bed covers in this washing machine and started the wash cycle and went back to bed. After an hour I wake up to see the entire apartment flooded with water from the washing machine. There was water in all rooms and kitchen and I spent reminder of the day cleaning up the water everywhere.

TLDR: Peed in bed, put the dirty bed covers for wash without realizing the waste water outlet of washing machine was not connected to drainage. Caused the apartment to be flooded.

Edit: I guess the bigger fuckup is by the mods who decided that noone should participate in this sub.

Disclosure: I was just reminded of this today, but it happened a few years ago. I absolutely should've caught it right away, but in my defense I'm an idiot.  

So my wife is from Brazil and speaks 5 languages with perfect accents in Italian, French... she does American English pretty well too and she tries to emulate accents to pronounce people's names and such properly since she works with other doctors from all over the world. And she's a friendly, sweet, lovely person that people adore right off the bat.  

Anyhow, when she first moved in w/me in NYC, she dropped clothes at my dry cleaner/laundy place in Chelsea. They called a few days later and the Korean lady said its Kadeena, your clothes are ready.  

My wife picks up the clothes and says Thanks Kadeena!  

Took a couple of years of calling the owner lady there Kadeena to realize the embarrassing miscommunication. It went something like:  

(My wife:) Hi Kim, when will Kadeena be in?  

Kim: What? My mom? You mean Betty? Why are you calling her Cleaner--with a Korean accent?  

Mrs /u/jeremyjava comes home red faced and tells me this story and I was probably surfing reddit and said something like, yeh, that sounds about right. We probably should've caught that earlier. In fact I think I maybe thought of that and forgot to mention it.  
 
Whatever I said she just sort of paced in a circle for awhile going omigod, omigod as she thought through all her life experiences that led to that moment.  
 
TL;DR My wife had an embarrassing miscommunication that may've sounded like racist mocking/insult to our local laundromat owner and I should've caught it WAY earlier.

Before you read my story, apparently there is an April Fools Bot that pretty much deletes every comment. So I partially fucked up by posting today, not realising what day it is...

So my dad sends me a pencil drawing asking what do I think. Looked like a tattoo to be, and not a very good one at that. Also my sister got a tattoo recently, so I guessed my dad was also thinking of one. For some reason she chose to get it from our neighbor who is a scratcher at best, but her was a very simple desing. The pencil drawing was of an animal, but tje eyes were wrong, the nose and mouth were slightly in the wrong place and the nose also looked like a piggs snout. Not wanting to be overly negative but sort of expecting where this was going I wrote that if the picture is to be a tattoo, it's a 4/10 at best (being generous). I hoped either dlthe design could be altered, or better yet I could persuade my dad to go get it from a real tattoo artist. I myself have a sleeve and a piece ony leg and I'd never get a tattoo from our neighbor unless it were VERY simple. A realistic drawing of an animal, never.

What came next surprised me. Right after me saying it is a 4/10, my dad sends me a picture where he already has the tattoo 80% done, amd looking worse than on the sketch. Well, the damage is done, so I switch to being neutral about it and changing the subject to more general stuff, so we are cool, but I can't take back my initial reaction. I wish even my sister would have asked my opinion before they went to our neighbor. Their body, their decision and I have a lifetime of ignoring and avoiding the subject in front of me, because I can't tell them what I honestly think, it'd hurt their feelings

TL;DR I told my dad the sketch of a tattoo isn't very good when he already had it almost done...

Edit: please don't ask for pictures, I will not post them online. For one thing I hate the thought of people making fun of my dad online and also I value his privacy and anonymity. Just google 'scratcher animal tattoo' amd you won't be very off.

Edit2: sorry to all whose comments are being deleted. Based on the short bits I saw in the notifications all seemed perfectly fine comments. The bots are going crazy I guess. Can I do something to turn it it off? I wrote to the moderators, hopefully I don't get banned out of spite...

Edit3: I guess some kimd of April Fools bot rolled out as soon as it was the 1st of April "somewhere" on earth?

Obligatory this actually happened 35 seconds ago. Today, after deciding to come onto reddit, I [M30], noticed something funny happening in a subreddit called r/tifu. Comments being deleted and mod messages flying. I actually spent more than 10 seconds thinking about whether or not the situation at hand was planned or an elaborate attack by some of the world's greatest hackers. Then I realised that its much more fun watching people freak out in the comments. To summarise, I dont know what's going on, but watching people attempt to communicate withour vowels is probably the funniest thing I've seen in my life. Also, I bet a bunch of us never knew how well we can read when all the vowels are replaced by random characters such as x's, y's, or random symbols.

A E I O U, and sometimes Y.

TL;DR: I have no idea what's going on in this sub but its hysterical.

EDIT: the number of replies getting hit with the auto-moderator is gold! I also replied below a snip of my original auto-moderator response.

This post uses proper formatting, this post is about me, my error was my fault. This will not be a vulgar/illegal post, it is an actual screw-up since I received an auto-moderation response, and civilly, I am not self-promoting any channel with this post.

So, today I was browsing this subreddit when I decided I would post a reply to someone's post where they screwed up. I figured the person could use the advice since I had gone through the same experience from the opposite perspective, and lo and behold, I received a notification that the letter 'e' is a permission you earn.

I was not aware of this. I went and reviewed every rule on here to see where the tiered hierarchy is to no avail.

The amusing part of this is there are several swear words that don't use the letter 'e' which can certainly be used, including the 'F' bomb that this subreddit skirts around, and it doesn't mean necessarily that the reply has substance.

So, I do apologize for using the letter 'e' and commend those who have been a part of this subreddit long enough to unlock that privilege. Likely, I am going to be removed for this TIFU story, but it's been a blast and I'll see most of the stories on rSlash another platform! <3 Cheers!

TL;DR: I used the letter 'e' and this post will probably be the end of my participation in this subreddit

I reserved a hotel in my college town (i graduated several years ago) for a yearly event they have every April.

i booked this hotel in advance because i knew that the closer it gets to the event date, the harder it is to find a room. i booked it with the option to pay at the hotel. i booked this hotel on march 23rd, and the event is april 15 (the hotel was for the night of the 15th)

when i got the reservation confirmation email, i noticed that the last day to cancel is april 1 (today)

i was originally gonna go with my friend, but she cancelled on me yesterday because she’s going through some stuff. we both also tried to get other ppl to join us but we found no one who confirmed.

i went to cancel the reservation today, and it said it will still charge me the $404 room fee because i canceled after the 4pm deadline that i didn’t notice nor read. i cancelled it today at 8 pm. i only was aware of the deadline that was apr 1.

i might as well go now alone because i’m paying for the room anyway, but i can’t even undo my cancellation. the $404 is per the hotel’s policy.

money has been tight, and i specifically made alarms and reminders to cancel but it was all for nothing because i’m too stupid and didn’t read the email in depth

TLDR; i have to pay $404 as a cancellation fee because i didn’t cancel my hotel reservation before the deadline

I’m a sailor stationed on a naval vessel, and today, we were all informed that there would be a random drug test conducted. I was a bit taken aback, as I haven’t done any drugs, but I knew that it was standard procedure, and so I went about my day as usual. It wasn’t until I went to the restroom to provide my sample that things took a turn for the worse. As I entered the restroom, I noticed the observer waiting for me. He followed me into the restroom along with another Sailor and recited the commands protocol. “Lower your clothing including underwear to your knees and lift your shirt up and hold it up in your armpits, stand at an angle on the tape near the urinal and provide your sample,” he said sternly. I complied with his instructions and began to lower my pants and underwear to my knees. It was at this moment that I realized I was wearing my Iron Man briefs. I knew that this was not a good look, but it was too late to do anything about it. As I stood at the urinal, trying to discreetly provide my sample, my friend Noah entered the restroom. He immediately burst out laughing when he saw my briefs. “Nice skivvies, bro,” he said through his laughter. I was so embarrassed that I couldn’t even muster a response. I just wanted to finish the drug test and get out of there as quickly as possible. Needless to say, the rest of the day was pretty rough. I could feel the stares and snickers of my fellow sailors, and I knew that I was going to be the butt of jokes for a while. So, today, I fucked up by wearing Iron Man briefs to a random Navy urinalysis. Lesson learned - always check your underwear before leaving the house. TL;DR I messed up and wore the wrong underwear today.

I don't often touch or poke at my bellybutton because it would make me squeamish, but occasionally I would notice that thing inside it. I always assumed it was an old nub end of dried out umbilical cord or maybe a little piece of skin. For years I just let it be, but lately it started to get on my mind more and more. I never asked anyone if they had the same thing in theirs, but I finally decided to google it and I was immediately grossed out. Turns out it was a naval stone... years of build up of dead skin, oils, hair, and whatever else makes it way in there.

Now, I consider myself to be pretty hygienic but it just never dawned on me that your bellybutton needed special attention to keep clean. After a few minutes of researching if I should attempt to deal with it myself or go to the doctor, I decided I'd give it a shot myself. I grabbed the tweezers and got at it. Little pieces were coming off, but I wasn't getting a good grip on it. Again, I hate touching this area. I looked at more pictures (I don't recommend it) to get an idea of what I was dealing with. I got more determined to get it out. I stuck the tweezers in deeper, past my comfort zone, and grabbed that sucker. I twisted it loose and pulled it out. It's black and the size of a sunflower seed... or a small bean.

TL:DR I let a naval stone form for many years before learning it wasn't a piece of body tissue.

my (16f) birthday was a little over a week and a half ago. my mom (43f) decided to take me out of school about two hours early so that i could take my test and get lunch. i passed and got my license but she hasn’t been letting me go driving because she’s scared of other drivers hitting me. i understand her fear and why she is being protective but i’ve been driving for almost a year now and she is the one who wanted me to get my license right when i turned 16 in the first place.

anyways this past week me and my family went to las vegas for my birthday/spring break so i haven’t been able to drive at all. we have been staying in a hotel so i also haven’t been allowed virtually any alone time for nearly a week. i couldn’t even shower without hearing my sister arguing with my mom because they walls were so thin. we got back last night at around 4am after a very long drive. my bedroom does not have any heating so i can’t sleep in there during the winter/early spring because i get sick even with a weighted and heated blanket. because of this i have been sleeping on the couch and have no where to go to be alone or away from my family.

when i woke up this morning i felt very overwhelmed and everything felt like too much. i asked my mom if i could go drive to qdoba since i had been wanting chips and queso and needed to spend some time by myself after being stuck in a small room at the hotel with my family and in the car for almost 20 hours straight. she told me that she didn’t want me to go again because she is scared of other drivers. she offered to take me with her to the store and i told her that it wasn’t the same and that i needed to be alone.

this is where i fucked up. i asked her again if i could please just go for a drive because i have nowhere to go as there is nothing within a walkable distance from my house and it is way too cold anyway. she told me no but i persisted and continued begging her to let me go. she kept telling me no and said that i better not ask again. i walked away and started pacing up and down the hallway because i felt very trapped and overwhelmed. i felt like i was drowning and like everything was closing in on me. i couldn’t handle it and i started crying and i felt like i couldn’t breathe and i collapsed at the end of the hallway. i was hyperventilating and sobbing and i still felt like the walls were closing in on me. my mom kept walking past me and ignoring me. she eventually came and told me to take deep breathes and to calm down but i felt like i wasn’t in control of my own body and i didn’t know what was happening or how to get it to stop. she kept trying to grab my arms because i was couldn’t stop pulling my own hair and scratching my skin. the only thing i could think about the whole time was how bad i felt and like i was being dramatic and throwing a fit like an entitled brat.

i felt so guilty for what i was doing but i couldn’t get myself to stop. i just kept crying and hyperventilating until eventually i just went blank and just sat there in silence with tears streaming down my face. i feel so bad for my mom, i didn’t want to put her through that and make her feel bad over a perfectly valid decision. i feel so guilty for throwing a tantrum like that and even worse because my mom asked me if i wanted to get qdoba for lunch tomorrow or if i wanted to order some to be delivered to the house. i know she feels bad because i had that big of a meltdown but it’s entirely my fault and she shouldn’t reward my bad behavior by offering to get me things. i hate myself for it and i hate that i couldn’t even control my own reaction to being told no. i feel like an ungrateful brat and i hate myself for treating my mom like that. i know she’s just scared and it wasn’t fair of me to throw a fit like that.

TL;DR: i threw a tantrum after being told that i couldn’t go for a drive and now feel immensely guilty for my actions and like i have failed my mom.

this morning, I woke up at 6:30 which, it isn't unusual for me to wake up around 5:30-6:30 and then go back to sleep. when I woke up I noticed my pill organizer was in my bed instead of on my nightstand, but I occasionally sleepwalk and have since I was a kid so I just assumed I thought it was a phone while I was having a sleepwalk dream or something. anyway, after putting it back on my nightstand and checking my phone, I ate a melatonin gummy and tried to fall back asleep, which just resulted in like 3 hours of me resting but not really falling asleep. so I got up around 9:30 and after a few minutes figured I better take my pills, but to my surprise, the saturday slot was empty and I know for a fact I had actually taken them since the only other ones I had taken so far was for friday. now you might be thinking, who cares it's not like you took the wrong ones, but I have adhd and take methylphenidate (ritalin/concerta) everyday so in my sleep i took a stimulant at like 6am and directly led to my inability to sleep. from now on I am not keeping my pill organizer or any dangerous substances on my nightstand lol, but in my defense, the only tasks I've carried out while sleepwalking before was turning off my alarm in my sleep when I was like 14 (I was convinced for months that the alarm feature on my phone was dysfunctional) and once throwing up in my sleep after making it to the bathroom (but my sleep aim was off and I missed the toilet).

TLDR; I took ritalin in my sleep because i keep my pill organizer on my nightstand when I know full well I do things in my sleep

Hi everyone,

I thought I'd share my recent experience with all of you. Lately, I've been really motivated to lose weight and lead a healthier lifestyle, so I decided to rent a bike and ride home from work. I've always enjoyed cycling, and I figured it would be a fun and efficient way to incorporate some exercise into my daily routine.

However, I made a major miscalculation when it came to the distance from my workplace to my home. I had Google mapped the route beforehand and estimated it to be around 8-10 kilometers. To my surprise, I ended up riding for a whopping 15 kilometers (or 24 in freedom units)! I couldn't believe it - I had never ridden that far before, and my body was not prepared for it.

As soon as I arrived home, I collapsed onto the couch in agony. My legs felt like they had been stabbed multiple times, and I could barely move them without feeling intense pain. My feet were throbbing, and I was already dreading the thought of having to walk anywhere the next day. I tried to stand up, but it was so excruciating that I let out a scream.

Now, a few days later, my muscles are still incredibly sore, and I'm having trouble getting around. I definitely underestimated the amount of physical exertion that cycling for 15 kilometers would require, and I'm paying the price for it now. On top of all that, I overslept the next morning and was late for work, which added insult to injury.

So, the lesson here is to always double-check the distance before embarking on a long bike ride, and to make sure that your body is adequately prepared for the physical demands. Trust me, you don't want to end up in the same position that I did!

TL:DR I rented a bike and failed at riding it

I have three cats, one is 8 years old, the other is 5 years old, and one is a kitten, 11 months old.

This kitten, Cupcake, is the most insane kitten in the world. She is EXTREMELY intelligent, and completely crazy. She never ceases to amaze me the things she can do - such as open latches, and get into just about anything and everything. But as amazing, sweet, and playful as she is, she can also be very difficult and extremely destructive.

In the last two weeks or so, she has developed probably her most destructive habit yet. She climbs onto shelves and pushes everything off. We've had breakages. We've had to basically cat-proof our entire house now, because she is getting on all the shelves and knocking everything off. We've tried saying NO, making noises, distracting her with toys, and all that. But we can't watch her 24/7, and if our backs are turned for 2 minutes, we hear a series of bangs and crashes, and she's right back on any shelf or surface she has access to, knocking everything off. Nothing breakable anymore, but still creates a huge mess. In addition, she wrecks the chairs and couches (even though she has 15 scratching posts), and often picks fights with my other cats.

Today, she had gotten onto the shelf in the laundry room something like 6 times, as well as mauled the chairs and mauled my other cats. I was at my wit's end. After she got onto the shelf and knocked everything off just one too many times - seriously, I go away for ONE MINUTE and she's straight back on the shelf - I just sort of lost it. I picked her up, put her outside, and then locked the cat flap so she couldn't get back in. I've never done this before. But I just needed five minutes' peace from her destructive behavior.

Then I got an important phone call, and had a lot of other shit to deal with, the usual drama and shit that permeates my daily life.

THREE HOURS later, I come downstairs to the back door and realize... SHIT. FUCK!!!! THE CATFLAP!!!!!!!!!! I never fucking unlocked it! She's been outside for three hours, during quite possibly some of the worst weather I have ever seen in March. Howling wind, torrential rain, and something like 45 degree weather.

I frantically unlock the flap, and call for Cupcake. She doesn't come. When I go outside and wave some food around, she comes running in. She is shivering and soaking. I feel so fucking awful I just want the ground to swallow me up. I try to hug her to warm her up but she is, deservedly, PISSED. She struggles, so I have to let her go. I gave her her favorite food to try and cheer her up. I turned the radiator on and put her by it so she could warm up.

15-20 minutes later, she did calm down, and was starting to dry off. She was fine after that, purring and playing as normal. But man do I feel like the worst human being on earth.

TL;DR - My kitten brought me to my wits end with her non-stop destructive behavior. I locked her outside, but life shit happened and I forgot to let her in for 3 hours in dire weather, she came in soaking and shivering and I feel like the worst human alive.

So I have been working out consistently for the past year or so, anyway, recently I started Lifting very heavy weights so my Muscles have become very fatigued and tired. I research some ways to recover to solve this issue, and I find out that saunas are great way to recover. My gym doesn’t have a sauna, so I start looking for clubs/bath houses that do. I find this really cheap club that has a gym, sauna, and swimming pool. As a broke college student this seemed like a hidden gem, and right after I head there to use the sauna.

Here I’m in the Sauna enjoying the heat and relaxation, along with three old guys in their 60s. It seemed like they were trying to start something with me, like some small talk. Suddenly I hear porn playing outside and some “bear dancers” whatever that is, turns out I’m in the wrong place and time. The guys were getting it on, others playing porn, and the guys in the sauna trying to hit me up. It all added up, it all made sense, why the guys in the sauna were staring at me, why the guy in the reception was passionately talking with me, and why the porn was playing.

I was in a gentlemen’s club, but not any gentlemen’s club, It was a club for gay and bisexual guys to hook up. And I was the only young man there, I was like the hot girl in the gym, except I’m not hot or a girl. And while these guys were assuming I was gay, I had to clear up the confusion, but they thought it was my way of being nervous so the guy got closer. He then suggests that we go somewhere more private. I was shocked how easy it is to get laid if you were gay but more shocked that this old guy is talking to me in this way. So I told him I need to head home, and I leave. Well I wasted $40 for a membership I will never use again.

TL;DR I went to a men’s only club to use the sauna, just to learn that it’s for hooking up.

So, this all started last night during dinner when my wife and I were discussing various fun animal facts. Our conversation took an unexpected turn when we stumbled upon the topic of frogs eating human food. I casually mentioned that I wondered if a frog could eat a bagel. My wife, being the lovely and opinionated person she is, immediately dismissed my statement, saying that a frog would never eat a bagel.

Now, I want to make it clear that my initial curiosity was about whether a frog could physically eat a bagel, not whether it would choose to eat one. I tried to clarify this point, but my wife didn't see the distinction. She insisted that it was ridiculous to even consider the idea, as a frog would never willingly consume a bagel in its natural habitat.

As the conversation progressed, so did our passion for our respective arguments. I tried to explain that I understood frogs wouldn't seek out bagels in the wild, but I was merely contemplating the physical possibility. My wife, however, wasn't having any of it. She was convinced that the whole idea was absurd and that frogs would never eat a bagel because it wasn't part of their natural diet.

The argument began to escalate as we both dug in our heels. I searched the internet for any examples of frogs eating unusual things to prove that, given the opportunity, a frog could potentially eat a bagel. Meanwhile, my wife was adamant that the dietary habits of frogs were well-documented, and bagels were not on the menu.

As the evening wore on, we became more and more entrenched in our positions. The argument went from light-hearted banter to a full-blown debate, complete with citations and raised voices. Our once enjoyable evening had devolved into a heated dispute over the potential consumption habits of amphibians.

Finally, after hours of arguing, I couldn't hold back my frustration any longer. In a moment of anger, I insulted my wife, accusing her of being closed-minded and ignorant. This turned out to be the straw that broke the camel's back, and our disagreement transformed into a full-blown screaming match.

As the yelling intensified, my wife finally reached her breaking point. She grabbed her things, told me she couldn't believe how petty and immature I was being, and stormed out of the house. I haven't heard from her since. I sit here, dumbfounded by how a simple discussion about a frog eating a bagel escalated to such a level, ultimately causing my wife to move out.

TLDR: Meaningless argument about frogs eating bagels, wife left. Not sure what happens next.

TW. Eating Disorder

Yesterday I went clubbing with a few of my friends. We were all pretty hyped and were looking forward to this evening for a while. However the club was way too crowded, the music was okay-ish and it was very hot. Many of my friends left pretty early so it was only me, A, O and 2 more friends. A kind of had a mental breakdown so I spend some time outside with her.

Eventually the both of us decided to leave but the problem was A´s key was at O´s house and she didn´t have any other place to spend the night at. So we had to look for him in the club and when we found him he barely reacted to anything we said. A got mad so we just headed out and took a taxi back to my place. Both of us were sad, frustrated and A was still mad. When we arrived at my place I started to feel nauseous. And here comes the TIFU...

A has a friend who has a severe eating disorder. Her friend regulary forces herself to throw up after she eats. A once told me that she saw her friends do it at a party and it triggered her a lot. A recently also has a tough time eating enough/eating at all. She has a lot of stress and told me, that she sometimes has thoughts telling her not to eat or to throw up after eating to "punish" herself.

I knew about all of this... however I wasn´t feeling very well so I still told her that I´d force myself to throw up and went to the bathroom not thinking about how she´d feel about it. Within a minute I was done and when I left the bathroom A was already heading out. She looked like she had seen a ghost. It seemed like she was afraid of me. I tried to stop her from leaving but I couldn´t. I felt very bad for her, because I´ve never seen her like this. I had a hard time falling asleep after that because I made her feel that way.

The evening was already awful, she was sad and I made it even worse for her. I am one of the few people she currently feels comfortable around and I still made myself throw up right in front of her, knowing how much it triggers her.

TL;DR : I made myself throw up in front of my friend even though I knew it triggers her a lot

So that didn’t actually happen today, but when it has happened I didn’t know about such thing as reddit.

When this happened, I used to live in a pretty small town in Ukraine that was infamous with it’s crime rates, so you have to be on guard. I also was 15, a lesbian and had a girlfriend. In small towns like ours, people were mostly extremely close minded. Nonetheless I refused to hide my identity, and I would always kiss, hug, hold my girlfriend by her hand etc

So we’re walking around the park, I hold her hand and talk about something probably pretty loudly because I’m a little loud in general. She laughs, and I give her a peck on the lips to show my affection. Then I turn my head, there’s a group of guys, probably 3-4 years older than us, much much taller (I’m 1.62 cm mind you, so I’m already a dwarf) and I can see them looking at us. They were pretty loud too, but I thought they were speaking foreign language, because I couldn’t make out even one word.

We became a little cautious and tried to just pass them by, but then one of the guys, comes forward, huge grin on his face, and he starts moving his arms around maintaining some eye contact, the other guys just stand behind him and watch. My fight or flight turns on immediately, I grab my girlfriend firmly, stare at him and say “stay the fuck away from us” and I drag my girlfriend to the other side of the road.

After we cross the road, I stop and turn to see if they’re going to follow us and we should run to a nearest place with people or if a 15 y.o. dwarf squeak spooked them. They are looking at one another with confusion, and I can see them patting the “main” guy on the back. They shake their heads as in disbelief, and then one of them starts doing hand movements to the “main” guy, and the guy does the same in a response.

Then it hits me. They. Were. Signing. I turn to my girlfriend and say “Oh I fucked up”. She starts laughing. That was so awful, I couldn’t stop thinking about them for a couple of days after, because the guy prolly didn’t mean anything bad, and I treated him like a fucking delinquent.

TL;DR: Deaf guys try to communicate with me and I take that as an attempted assault.

My supervisor in work said I needed to make more of an impact and get involved with the community. I thought I'd help moderate the community by making sure people got upvotes, or 'updoots' as I call them to my family and friends.

This would have been fine, but I thought I'd add some humour to the situation, giving them whimsical reasons as to why they can't post, with a simple blocking metric to help guide them towards updoot heaven. What criteria did I use you ask? Simple vowels, those useless letters no-one ever seems to use or care about.

Sadly my supervisor pointed out that this isn't funny, and people actually need vowels to communicate. Who knew??

Now everyone is mad.

TL;DR: Made a boo-boo in work blocking comments with 'aeiou' the critical building blocks of writing.